Sunday, July 26, 2009
Deep (almost profound) Shit.
This is a aberrant thought that keeps popping up into my mind every now and then. But i shove it into some dark, deep corner of my mind. But on this melancholy Sunday evening i cannot resist telling you all about it.
I look around me. Everywhere i see, i find people in love. In I.C.T., at home, building, neighborhood, old neighborhood, stations, restaurants, theaters, malls, everywhere! I don't think of it much at that time. But when I'm alone on a gloomy Saturday afternoon, or a lugubrious Sunday evening, I do wish there was someone i could spend my time with. Not necessarily to talk to, or do anything worthwile, or share some activity, just to sit by me and witness my life.
Sometimes i fear that i may never find Her. I have nightmares. In each one of them, i am 40 years old. (strange). On weekdays I'm slogging, doing some stupid job i hate, eating cold meals all by myself, with no one to talk to. I come home from work and make myself a small meal if i haven't ordered anything on my way back. Sometimes i just don't eat at night. Then i lay awake on a large, cosy bed until 2 in the morning when i finally decide to pop some pills that'll make me sleep. Day after day after day. On weekends I'm too drunk to remember anything. Life goes on and I die one day in my rented apartment, with a glass of rum in my hand, sitting in my grouchy old couch watching television. No relatives attend my funeral. The authorities take care of the protocol with ruthless celerity. Not a tear shed.
I hope this doesn't happen to me ever, but i give in to such negative thoughts some times. I know time will take care of me. It has to. I always believed that I was perfect, but know i realize that that isn't true. I have to get rid of my cankers and ameliorate my good qualities. (GRE mutha-fucka). I have to be more tolerant and think before i speak. I've really hurt a lot of people with my caustic remarks and i wish i could take them back. So that's a hard lesson life's taught me. Please forgive me if i fucked up ur case, or verbally assaulted you. I'm a messed up dude, and i do need you in my life.
However, I shall always try to remain true to myself.
It is always better to be sad and truthful, rather than to be fictitiously happy.
Hope i have some luck in that department, as i have had in getting my friends!